Deco Mesh Wreath Under $20!!

Have you ever seen those huge, mesh wreaths and thought "Wow, it's so big and puffy! I could sleep in that thing!" Have you ever looked at the price tag? If you haven't don't do it.  It's scary.  Not crayons-in-the-dryer scary, but enough to make you long for the days of carefree purchases. I made one for under $20!

Here's what you need:

• A wreath frame- You can order them on Amazon or get them from any florist or craft store. I couldn't find one, so I bought this wreath from Target for $8.

It is made out of the same "wired garland thingys" aka "twists" you will need on your wreath frame to secure the mesh. You can also use pipe cleaners if you can only find a basic frame. My frame is 16" but my finished wreath is close to 22"

Ideally, you're looking for a "pencil work wreath". Basically a few metal rings with pipe cleaners.

• 1 roll of mesh- This will make a simple, single coloured wreath. I got mine at Walmart for $8 at Christmas time but florists have it year round.
• Some ribbon or decorations. 
• Ruler & scissors
• Some beer, wine or "winter booze" aka rum & eggnog or Black Russians. If you DIY sober it doesn't turn out as well. Known fact.
• Zip ties & wire cutters are optional!

So after you collect all this stuff, go watch this video which I used and is great, or follow the steps below!

1. Drink alcohol of choice and arrange materials
2. Grab 3" or so of the end of the mesh and secure it with a twist on the inner ring
3. Measure out 14" of mesh from the secured twist and secure it on the next twist on the inner ring.
4. Drink! You made your first loop!
5. Continue measuring 14" of mesh and securing with the next twist around the inner ring.
6. Drink! This is crucial.
7. Take your mesh and pull tightly toward the outer ring and secure with the closest twist.
8. Measure out 14" of mesh and secure on the next twist.
9. Continue measuring 14" of mesh and securing around the outer ring.
10. When you have completed the outer ring, cut the mesh with a tail of about 3".
11. I tucked my "tail" in, but you can secure it with a zip tie.
12. Decorate with bows, ribbons and decorations however you like!
13. Hang that baby up, let the neighbours think you spent big bucks and grab another drink!

So have fun, save some cash and beautify your house!

On a side note, my "husband" asked if there is some sort of rule that applies to the size of your house vs the size of your wreath.  There's no such thing. Dress for the job you want not the job you have!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...Maybe

That time of year is creeping up again! The time when you use up gas money to drive around oohing and awing with your kids to view the neighborhood Christmas lights. Wow kids! Look how many people cared enough to brave the cold to rack up their hydro bill! This results in 1 question: "How come we don't have Christmas lights outside?"

Why there are no Christmas lights on the outside of my house is simple. I can't picture myself bundling up, making what I can only imagine would be a poor attempt at securing a ladder in my front garden followed by attaching lights to my eaves troughs that may fall apart if I touch them. My boyfriend has the same outlook seeing as when he was volun-told into this task, he straight up refused. I have a wreath. A huge, red poly mesh wreath that I made because there's no way in hell I was spending $60 to own one of these things. I made it for $16! Yes, I'm proud. 

In my defense, I'm not a completely horrible, scroogey parent. I put up a tree, I have mistletoe in the doorway, a Christmas tablescape and a few snowmen and Santas placed around the house.  I take the kids to see mall Santa, we send letters (that every year I forget to mail) and I make one hell of a (pre-assembled) gingerbread house! I'm just not willing to freeze my ass of to please my fellow light gawkers. I AM however eternally grateful to those people with the 16' tall blow up Santa and snowman on your front lawn! Thank you, you crazy, amazing Christmas loving people that are not concerned with your hydro bill! Merry Christmas!

My Dog Ate Christmas

I came home to a flattened Christmas tree.  Seriously though, need I say more?

Let's start with some background. I work a full time job as the Service Manager at a dealership. I probably get screamed at more times in a day than I can count.  I spend a typical day appeasing customers, maintaining the flow of work, analyzing costs, promotions, marketing and so on. This day in particular I spent trying to resolve an ongoing concern with a customer that had been going on for 4 weeks. At 5pm I still hadn't won.

I raced out to my car to find that my remote start hadn't worked and my car was frozen. First world problems. Somewhere there's an orphaned 6 year old trying to melt ice to make water using only sunlight and I'm bitching that my leather seats are cold. After thawing my car I realized that once again I'm going to be that parent who makes their daughter late for figure skating. The mom who chose work. After sitting in an arena for 45 minutes and unlacing a cranky 4 year old, we grabbed a hot chocolate and headed home.

I could say I didn't expect this. I could be dramatic about the way my daughter cried over the tree laying on the living room floor. But I won't. My dog is an asshole and I'm well aware of this. A blue eyed, overgrown puppy that talks back and chews up everything.

So there it was. 6' feet of green, red and silver surrounded by about 12' of debris. If a kid did this they would be cleaning it. Unfortunately, a 15 month old husky isn't equipped with thumbs so operating a vacuum is out of the question. I stood the tree back up to assess the damage. There was literally strings attached to the branches where the ornaments had been chewed off. The kids had gone to a Christmas party the weekend prior and made ornaments with those shitty sparkly foam stickers that were now fused to the hardwood. Everyone knows those bad boys never come off in one piece. Plus there's glitter. Glitter = death.

So as I'm sweeping and providing my 4 year old with Kleenex because "He ate my popsicle stick snowman!" I notice my cat, who is also an asshole, swatting ornament fragments at my dog and him stealing them. That fucking cat. The dog is too stupid to realize that the cat is actually antagonizing him. The cat probably knocked over the tree and the dog thought "When in Rome!" and went at it. Jerk cat.

Unfortunately I can't crate a cat. Or I at least don't want to try. Today my dog is back in Puppy Prison so he doesn't shit glitter anymore. He's not Ke$ha or a unicorn so it's unacceptable.

Here are the assholes in all their fuzzy glory.

What's in a Name?

Here is post #1!  I decided to create a blog to share my struggles and successes of being a millennial mom.  Something for the typical mom, twenty-something or twenty-something mom to relate to.  Everyday I come across happenstances that make me wonder about how I'm scoring in this whole "real life" thing and I'm sure others are too.

Then began my search for a name that suited my sarcastic, outspoken, non-traditional way of figuring out this parenting thing all while figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.  I was searching for something that was related to being a parent, but young, fun and slightly sassy.  I quickly found that any domain that includes the word "sassy" is taken.  Then I discovered my new found hate for domain squatters. That being said I envy their career choice. The basic "mom names" are all taken. As is anything with the word "millennial". So I started creating words... Mommified? Momtastic? All the nopes.

Here are a few of my initial ideas:

Sassy Sweetie-pie
"Sweetie-pie" is what my 4 year old daughter calls me when she's trying to butter me up. That being said it reminds me off that bad middle school hotmail address we all had. Oh, the MSN Messenger days...

Mom Next Door
Porn...Sooo much porn! Really bad, creepy porn!

Just J.
Taken. Anger building...

P's Mom
I seriously contemplated this although it lacked my stubborn, sarcastic side. 

Then I got frustrated:

Fucking Blog
Taken.

Your Fucking Mom
More porn.

Finally, I sat down with my lap top, painted my toenails (after a bedtime experience I thought would never end) and grabbed a beer.

Voila! OMG! Here it is in all its' glory! While Booze & Brats may initially come off as trashy, I feel it reflects my life.

Everything in this blog will be related to the challenges that come with having a family, a career and trying to still have some of the experiences that my peers are having. So enjoy my dirty laundry, laugh at my spilled milk, grab a drink and cheers to everything life may hurl at me all delivered by mini humans!

Thanks for reading!