My Dog Ate Christmas

I came home to a flattened Christmas tree.  Seriously though, need I say more?

Let's start with some background. I work a full time job as the Service Manager at a dealership. I probably get screamed at more times in a day than I can count.  I spend a typical day appeasing customers, maintaining the flow of work, analyzing costs, promotions, marketing and so on. This day in particular I spent trying to resolve an ongoing concern with a customer that had been going on for 4 weeks. At 5pm I still hadn't won.

I raced out to my car to find that my remote start hadn't worked and my car was frozen. First world problems. Somewhere there's an orphaned 6 year old trying to melt ice to make water using only sunlight and I'm bitching that my leather seats are cold. After thawing my car I realized that once again I'm going to be that parent who makes their daughter late for figure skating. The mom who chose work. After sitting in an arena for 45 minutes and unlacing a cranky 4 year old, we grabbed a hot chocolate and headed home.

I could say I didn't expect this. I could be dramatic about the way my daughter cried over the tree laying on the living room floor. But I won't. My dog is an asshole and I'm well aware of this. A blue eyed, overgrown puppy that talks back and chews up everything.

So there it was. 6' feet of green, red and silver surrounded by about 12' of debris. If a kid did this they would be cleaning it. Unfortunately, a 15 month old husky isn't equipped with thumbs so operating a vacuum is out of the question. I stood the tree back up to assess the damage. There was literally strings attached to the branches where the ornaments had been chewed off. The kids had gone to a Christmas party the weekend prior and made ornaments with those shitty sparkly foam stickers that were now fused to the hardwood. Everyone knows those bad boys never come off in one piece. Plus there's glitter. Glitter = death.

So as I'm sweeping and providing my 4 year old with Kleenex because "He ate my popsicle stick snowman!" I notice my cat, who is also an asshole, swatting ornament fragments at my dog and him stealing them. That fucking cat. The dog is too stupid to realize that the cat is actually antagonizing him. The cat probably knocked over the tree and the dog thought "When in Rome!" and went at it. Jerk cat.

Unfortunately I can't crate a cat. Or I at least don't want to try. Today my dog is back in Puppy Prison so he doesn't shit glitter anymore. He's not Ke$ha or a unicorn so it's unacceptable.

Here are the assholes in all their fuzzy glory.