Sex Ed: Brought to you by my Mom

My mom and I are close. Not ask for cooking tips close, I mean describe your poop close. The things we talk about should never be discussed between mother and daughter. There was a time where she left 3 voice mails and when I finally returned her call, yelled at me because she obviously thought I was dead. After trying to reason over her yelling, I just gave up and yelled "I was getting laid, Mom!" Her response? "Well you should have answered the phone!" No Mom, I should not have.

There's been a few moments in my life where I've questioned our activities, conversations and thoughts that should have stayed in our heads. I know she means well, but sometimes its terrifyingly funny.

The time we saw Scary Movie. I was 10. My poor mom had so much explaining to do as to why the girl was stuck to the ceiling. What is that white stuff? I don't know if it was worse for her or me after she realized how much of that movie I actually understood.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Ah, Lady Marmalade and 11 year old impressionable me. As any typical 11 year old girl, I was obsessed with Christina Aguilera so this song became part of an everyday karaoke routine in my room. When I asked what they were saying in that iconic, French question, my mom told me the truth. Doesn't she know lying is rule #1!

The condom lesson. Most people are shown with a banana. Not me. First of all, we thought we got shot in the car on the way home from grocery shopping. The tube of hot dog wrap pastry exploded out one end of the tube with a bang like you've never heard. Turns out, it looked like a mushroom and my mom thought Hey, why waste this wiener wrap...OH.MY.GOD. Wiener wrap! The worst lesson of my life was concluded by "And if it's ever this big...Run."

First Blood. Yes I called it that! This happened when I was 10, the day of my friends pool party. My mom handled it well until the following day in a busy Coffee Time when she was on the other side of the bathroom door asking me to describe the situation like some ink blot test. 

The big... What? Yep folks, the big game. My mom ruined the Super Bowl. I was never into sports and neither was she. So I was slightly concerned for her health one year when she was watching the same thing as everyone else in America and most of Canada. But in her sweet, mom voice, she said "Come sit with me, come watch football." When I was reluctant because it wasn't half time yet, she said "Fit men. Tight pants. Sit." I have never seen my mom that quiet.

I'm so Thad this show's over!

Take your fucking pill! I was about 17 and had reached a level of intoxication that I probably should have received medical attention for. It was around 4 in the morning when I stumbled into my room. My mom came came flying in screaming asking if I took my pill. I didn't even know where my bed was, let alone a pill the size of the head of a nail. She found my birth control, popped out the forgotten pill, and shoved it in my mouth and held it shut. She dog-dosed me. Drunk me spat the pill across the room and by some miracle, she found the now hairy pill and dog-dosed me a second time. In hindsight, thanks, Mom.

2 Pink Lines. I phoned my mom in complete panic at 19 years old, and in an eerily calm voice said "There's 2 pink lines. There's never been 2 before." Her response was epic. "Go to the store, get 2 tests that are different from each other, and different from the one you already peed on. Pee on those, then call me and give me grey hair." Then she hung up. 

Your vagina was that big, too! My loving, caring mother likes to remind me what "changes" occurred while I was giving birth. Jokes on her because she seems to to have forgotten that 13 year old me was her labour coach. Mean Girls references for days!

"I can't help it if I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!"